The Littlest Little

My fourth and final baby boy, Jonathan Paul - who told me most insistently, that he is "not little" (smile)

To say that I love him dearly would be an understatement. Much like Joseph, in the Bible story of Jacob (who had 12 sons), he holds my heart in a different way because I feel that I had him when I was in my wisest era of motherhood (or so I’d like to believe). Parenting a little one at twenty something and forty something is remarkably different. Many things, you worry about less. Antics are not nearly as phasing. Crises seem to be fewer and farther between – and the love, (sigh) the love reverberates in nearly every tender moment.

Jonathan is such a character! His imagination is fueled by adventure and excitement. His storytelling is inked with loyalties and laughter. He reminds me that even in my self-proclaimed wisdom, I am still not beyond being shocked. I feel proud of myself for the things that I handle better; explain more clearly; demonstrate more patience with – and at the same time, I’m still baffled by how much he knows; how adamantly he defends, and how deeply he questions.

He is so much of me in ways that are so good, and sometimes not so much (don’t worry – I’m working on that second one for the both of us)! But more than anything else, I just feel – blessed. It still rattles me that I managed to have a 19 yr. old who towers over my head and a tiny human (as my fellow professor calls his little ones) who’s just hitting the zenith of second grade. One part of me thinks at times, “Lord, we have so far to go!” and at others I think, “God, can we slow down a little bit to stay here longer? Second grade is my favorite!” It all seems to go by so…quickly (sigh).

Jonathan keeps me humble! In our cherished one-on-one conversations, I marvel at his sagacity. He speaks with the confidence of an 80 yr. old man, though few of his theories have been proven. He trusts his tiny gut. It fails him from time to time, but I must admit – he has a knack for insightfulness. He reminds me to limit my assumptions about little people – a truth I first learned when teaching in the primary grades. We believe they understand much less than what they do in reality; but, having spent thousands of hours in the classroom, I am confident that those minds work in a most sophisticated way. They are exceptional listeners and readers of people.

I am so thankful for our relationship. He’s still filled with the innocence and wonder that makes young children so refreshing. I love the way his mind works, and he’s happy to offer quite the lengthy explanation for his rationale – at his discretion of course. There are other times when I’ve put on my best inquiry skills, and he let me know quite clearly that he had no desire to elaborate. I was not thrilled, but I was understanding!

I am elated. I get to watch him grow and glean. I get to cheer for him when he does well and encourage him when he does not. I hold him accountable – and he insists on doing the same. He reminds me that mommies don’t always get it right, but not from a disrespectful retort, but perhaps from an upside-down smile; from a look of confusion after mommy has had a long day and missed a nuanced point.

Jonathan compels me to celebrate at the park with an unscheduled date even though there are 30 tasks left on my to do list. He invites me to stop and watch the silly movies that I don’t think will interest me that make me love and laugh and learn – more about him and myself. He makes my heart melt every night when I tell him, “Donde esta me abrazo? Y mi besito?” Where is my hug and my kiss? He squeezes so hard – and loves so big – that I know I am among the most blessed mommies of the world…because of my Littlest Little.

As I said many years before when I had my first one – I can’t believe I get to be his mom. I wouldn’t have had it any other way! How thankful I am, indeed.

#lovemesomehim #jonathan #juanitochiquito #jonathanpaul #lastone #quadsquad #boymom #bestillmyheart #family #faith #live #laugh #love #priceless #drcarlamichelle

“Zaiah” – As Only His Littlest Bro Can Call Him

My third baby boy, 11-year-old Isaiah Jeremiah and one of the five loves of my life...

He’s fun; quirky; thoughtful and so compassionate. He is a part of the other half of my quad squad, dubbed “The Littles” (as opposed to the Bigs, who are 16 and 19). I am often tickled by how they pair together – one team against the other. Although the Littles clearly revere the Bigs, they are also often intermittently defiant. There’s a definitive alliance on both ends. Some days, they’re elated to be allowed into the sacred teenager room and afforded the golden opportunity to play video games. And other days, they are clearly kicked out for not being “mature” enough because of their babyish antics. Nevertheless, Isaiah is one of a kind!

Isaiah’s birth was very challenging for me as a mom. Prior to his arrival, I had been pregnant with – and lost – what I thought was going to be a daughter. I was over the moon excited to learn of the pregnancy the December before, only to have a miscarriage and subsequent D and C (surgical removal of the baby’s remains) on February 14 – of all the 365 days available. It was not preferred. In fact, I attempted to refuse. After my doctor told me the baby’s heart had stopped beating and that she’d need to see me the next day, I told her I didn’t want to – and that I would just make an appointment later to reschedule.

Her response? “Yeah, well you won’t be able to do that because you could become septic and die..”

My reply? “But it’s Valentine’s Day…”

“I’m sorry. But I have to see you tomorrow…”

Needless to say, I was devastated. Though I realize it was misdirected, I felt like I hated her in that moment. I hated that she told me. I hated that the baby’s heart stopped beating. I hated that my doctor didn’t figure out how to miraculously bring my little person back that I was so excited about. I hated that I had told so many people, that I had hoped for a daughter, and that this little person was now no more… And so, I had planned to grieve the remainder of what would have been the six months I had left.

And then, I got pregnant again. Before my nine months was up. And I felt terrible… I was so confused!

I felt like there wasn’t supposed to be another little person in that space – until after the time had passed for the previous little person. I felt like it was disloyal to fall in love with another baby when I hadn’t had a chance to meet the last one. I felt like she was secretly somewhere lamenting that I had forgotten about her – but I hadn’t. And I didn’t want her to feel that I had written her off in my mind because she had been replaced by someone else. Because the truth is, she hadn’t.

It was very difficult to get through, but I was convinced that I loved them both, even though one was lost prematurely. My heart still breaks to feel that I’m missing one, but my love for Isaiah was still wonderfully full. He has been such a blessing to me. He was unexpected, and having two little ones who seemed so much bigger already made him seem so terribly tiny when he came along. He was a wonderful gift to our family, and we couldn’t have been happier to have him.

Isaiah is my little thinker! He’s a “digital native,” often reminding me that though he loves me dearly, he also thinks I’m antiquated. He believes that I grew up with black and white TV (I didn’t). He reiterated that he didn’t know music stars from “the 1900s” (which was hilarious). It occurred to me that he wouldn’t know what to do with a phone that he had to pick up off of a hook – and he cannot imagine a world without wi-fi.

Ironically, Isaiah is also an old soul. Earlier this week, he was belting Bobby Caldwell’s, “What You Won’t Do for Love.” He regularly listens to songs from the 70s, 80s and 90s. He also introduced me to BTS, loves (clean) hip hop, classical music and sings regularly in Japanese with the Littlest Little. He’s a foodie, and has hipped me to new foodie videos, and we have the most phenomenal conversations about insects, engineering and his favorite subject (as a 5th grader) is physics.

Isaiah is also the mushiest of the bunch! He hugs me (and his dad) several times a day. He often tells me, “I love you mom.” He’s sensitive and firm all at the same time, and most of all, he is affectionate towards his faith in Christ (as they all are). Our individual conversations keep me in stitches. After questioning him about eating my plant-based cookies a few days ago when he was not vegan, he informed me that he did indeed eat them – because his “distinguished” taste told him to do so. He further noted that he “identified as half-vegan,” and said that he eats “meat and vegan” which makes him “megan!” I just died laughing!

I said all of that to say, while there are many things that we don’t understand or have an answer for, we can certainly appreciate the gifts that we’ve been given and those that remain. I am so blessed and honored to be his mom. What a treasure he is to me! He is also my tiny writer, and his stories are replete with creativity and imagination and vocabulary that makes my heart soar. I’m enamored with his uniqueness – and when it comes to having him as a part of my family, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love my Isaiah – even though we are forbidden to call him what the Littlest Little calls him – “Zaiah.” Apparently, it was easier for him to say when he was learning to talk – and he has exclusive rights to do so (smile)!

Make your moments count. Treasure the ones you love – and enjoy every ounce of time you can. It is priceless!

#littlepeople #bigpeople #isaiahjeremiah #boymom #quadsquad #itsthebrowns #precious #priceless #blessed #foreverloves (one of my) #fiveheartbeats #fourboysandadad #drcarlamichelle

Cristoferito – Mi Amor

My favorite 16 year old Mini-Me

I am always tickled about how our children (as mommies) all come from the same tummy, are essentially raised in the same way, have so much in common, but can be so strikingly different. This is most true about my second son, Christopher. He is the least interested in taking a picture. He’s the most emphatic about not bending the rules. He is very particular about his belongings, and he is artistic, creative and entrepreneurial beyond measure.

It is with Christopher that I learned the value of spending individual quality time with my quad squad. I am careful to make moments with intentionality between all of us, but I increasingly treasure our one-on-one conversations. So much is revealed! Their unique personalities are not lost in the collective hum of family festivities. Instead, their voices become pronounced, distinct and discerned.

I’ve come to believe that siblings are often different around each other in front of their parents as compared to how they engage with parents when they are alone. There are some secrets, hopes, dreams and opinions that are only shared in exclusivity. I love these moments! They are raw and real – and sometimes rare; but, they are so precious.

He certainly shares bonds with his brothers on numerous levels, and that brings me joy – because I want their relationships to be tightly knitted, especially after we are gone. Nevertheless, I am terribly delighted by our private conversations. I love our mutual aspirations to one day take on Tokyo. I enjoy discussing the nuances of Naruto, one of his favorite animated shows. I deeply treasure our culinary sessions, as he is the best chef of the boys. I’m elated to discuss his interests in fashion, culture, faith and loyalty. And perhaps selfishly, I am tickled to find so much of me in him.

I tell people all the time that even when kids grow up in the same house., they can be so different. I don’t think this is something to be disappointed about. For me, it is a gem. I love that Christopher is an independent thinker; insightful; compassionate – and a dreamer with plans that he carefully executes with great precision.

He’s an old soul who’s ahead of his time, and has certainly captured the depth of mi corazon. My love for him, amongst his brothers, is both the same and it is different. I cannot wait to see what he will one day become.

He will always be my Cristoferito. My heart is full – and that is priceless.

#myChristopher #boymom #quadmom #itsthebrowns #thebrowntribe #cristoferito #foreverlove #bestillmyheart #micorazon #memories #foreverlove #drcarlamichelle

Be Still My Heart…Celebrating My Firstborn

The first of my all-boy quadsquad, Michael F. Brown, II #sigh

Where did the time go? And who said he could grow up? Not me! I mean, I’m glad that he’s surviving – especially because I almost lost him in childbirth (required an emergency C-section #yeesh), but it just feels like 19 years later happened so much faster that I thought it would. I look at the lanky form that towers over my head, and I just marvel at all of the memories swimming in my mind.

I thoroughly remember the red and blue Polo onesie that was just perfect for our first family photo plus one. I had no idea that six weeks later, he would have already outgrown it. I think about all of the high-tech baby gizmos we spent so much money on that were overrated, but in our minds at the time, an absolute necessity (i.e., the “diaper genie”)! We made so many mistakes, and we were trying so hard. Being a first time parent can be terribly stressful. I kept thinking, “Oh my God! I’m somebody’s mom!” Nevertheless, I was replete with contentment. I was so emotional, on both ends of the spectrum.

Today, when I look at him, even though those toddler days are long gone, I still feel like he’s my little boy. Especially, when I see him smile, my heart still skips a beat! I’m glad that he’s growing into a mature young man, and I look forward to the future ahead, but it seemed to take so long for his arrival. When I’d hoped to have children, it just wouldn’t happen. It was a long three years! Once he got here, I felt like I was in love.

I’m fascinated and grateful for how our relationships with our children go through stages just like they do. It’s nice to know that we learn and grow at the same time they do, but in such intriguing ways. What I Iike the most about this age is the nature of our conversations. We share differently; think differently; we’re more open-minded – and he better understands wittiness and sarcasm – it’s our love language, and we are quite fluent (smile).

Did I mention that I’m still afraid of things? Like, will he meet the perfect person for him? Will I like them? Does that really matter? Will he finally decide what he really wants to do – and follow through with it? Will he ever develop the sense of urgency that I think is necessary for life? Or will he keep cruising through with his unsettling calmness that makes me wonder if he’s even listening (though I would say, he is – I think).

Will he be genuinely happy? Will he spread his wings when he leaves this nest? I’ve resolved to let him try on his own – but oh how I worry about everything he may encounter that may seem scary when he’s thrust into “adulting.” This is one of the parts that I don’t like so much about parenting. My grandmother used to tell me, “They move from being on your knee to on your heart.” So wise, that woman was.

And to think, one day, I’ll be in some big church, watching someone in a white gown take him away forever! (O.K., I’m being a bit dramatic, but that’s how it feels!!!) I’m glad he’s not there yet – because I’m NOT READY! Truthfully, I believe he will choose someone wonderful, and I’ll be happy to support them both, but in all honesty, I know I won’t be captivated by the blushing bride – I’ll be beaming with pride because of my handsome little boy who will one day grow up into a fine, young man.

Be still, my heart. I can’t believe we’re already here. May the years ahead be the best ones yet.

#mamalove #littleboy #bigboy #adulting #timeflies #memories #boymom #quadmom #michaelfbrown #mybaby #foreverlove #teenager #priceless #drcarlamichelle

The Wonders of Celebrating World Culture Day

Me with my "Furoshiki" teacher - "The Art of Japanese Fabric Wrapping!"

Black Texas Girl Celebrating World Culture Day in Colorado with French, Spanish & Japanese highlights!  Por supuesto! #simplybeautiful

World Cultures Day was an exceptional occasion today at Arapahoe Community College (where I’ve decided to add to my doctorate, an Associate in Spanish degree)!  A wealth of cultural experiences unlike my day-to-day norms was such a refreshing encounter!  In doing so, I was able to enjoy hearing a traditional Mexican song from a student soloist who strummed on his guitar, a community musical rendition of “Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay” (Cielito Lindo by Ana Gabriel), an operatic selection in French as well as a solo ballet performance with classical music heralding Latin influences and beautiful karaoke in Japanese.  It was perfectly ended with an invitation to the audience to participate in dancing to “The Macarena,” which I thoroughly appreciated with Spanish as my second language!

The program also included an interactive lesson in “Furoshiki:  The Art of Japanese Fabric Wrapping,” (among my favorites)!  I learned that this artistic endeavor is not only practical, but it’s inexpensive and ecologically friendly.  Using Furoshiki reduces the need for plastic, which is harmful to the environment.  We learned several ways to strategically fold our scarves that would allow us to carry flat objects, bottles of liquid and so much more.  It was fascinating!

I had no idea they could be so versatile!  In Black culture (particularly those of us from the South), they are often used primarily to protect women’s hair when going to bed (and I wear mine daily)!  I’ve had many silk scarves like the one so generously given to me today, but  I never considered through innovative folding that it could be used to carry items for the betterment of the environment.

Today’s memory was a special one for me.  As a Texas resident for 37 of my 46 years, I grew up with a great affection for diverse cultures.  I enjoyed rich undertones of the American South because my grandparents were from Mississippi, Tennessee and Arkansas.  I have rich connections to soulful Black heritage because my parents were both Baby Boomers from Chicago, Illinois.  In Texas, I was immersed in both Latino, Cajun and Asian cultures, and in Colorado, I’ve strengthened ties to African immigrants and refugees.  They have shaped my appreciation for luminaries from all over the world!

Today’s celebration will sing in my heart for a long time.  Ultimately?  This rendezvous was #priceless!

#worldculturesday #diversity #ethnicity #beauty #humanity #texas #colorado #black #latina #african #cajun #french #japanese #asian #korean #thesouth #thenorth #different #same #myAmerica #lovedit #drcarlamichelle

Birthday Bliss for Juanito Chiquito

My Juanito Chiquito. Feliz Cumpleaños, mijo!

We celebrated.
Today he is eight years old.
"Empanadas, please!"

Happy Birthday to my favorite eight-year-old in the whole world, Jonathan Paul Brown. 

#empanadas #cheesecake #legos #birthdaywishes #lovemesomehim #priceless #drcarlamichelle

Find the shine

A reminder for me that even when things are hard to bear, we can often find shine somewhere in between.

Today was hard!!!

I woke up late. Even though I set my alarm. And heard it when it went off. And turned it off. And looked at it. And went back to sleep, and thought I had more time, and realized ten minutes too late, that I really needed to get up.

My to do list was terribly long. My littlest one felt today was ideal for meltdown mode. My next to the littlest one had computer issues I couldn’t fix. I was down to the ninth hour on something I needed to turn in by midnight, and it was terribly stressful.

I’m on the third birthday for one of my four boys (tomorrow) in the last three weeks, and I haven’t planned exactly what we’re supposed to do yet (though he’s been counting down for the last 21 days – he is still seven). I dare not disappoint (at least, that’s how I feel – Supermom complex and all.)

I missed something (seemingly critical) in a file that I’d looked at – at least 30 times before today. I missed an important meeting – because I just, forgot. I had plans cancelled at the last minute because someone else changed their calendar…

And I think I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch today! #sigh

I was so spent by the end of my afternoon! I decided that though I hadn’t in a couple of months (it’s been freezing), I was going to take a well needed walk around my neighborhood. Besides, the snow was melting. It was a whopping 67 degrees. I live in Colorado, so I had to seize this moment. Last week, it was in the 30s.

It was so refreshing!

Though I’ve never considered myself to be an “outdoor” girl (i.e., I’ve never been – nor do I have the desire – to go camping), I am certainly a friend and fan of nature, particularly as it relates to picturesque landscapes. In my simple walk around the neighborhood, I’ve always noticed something that I’ve never seen before, and today was no different.

It was so nice to unplug from the day’s drama. I felt inaccessible to all of the sneaky thoughts that were exploding in my head, reminding me of all of my missteps. It was most discouraging; but, outside – I felt immune! I was too busy inhaling beautiful, brisk air. I was enjoying the lovely shade of sky blue just above my head.

I was cherishing how much I loved looking at (and squishing) the snow that was left on the ground even though so much of it had melted away. It has such a lovely iridescent quality when it sparkles in the sunlight. This was blissful.

As I got closer to home, I couldn’t help but notice many broken branches. We had a record snow last week, and though it looks light and fluffy on TV, snow is actually quite heavy! It severed many branches on trees all over the city, because the limbs couldn’t support the weight.

I walked by the house above and noticed a most peculiar message: “Free Firewood.” I saw branches strewn across the lawn, and quickly recognized that familiar, fibrous tear. However, I thought, “What a wonderful way to look at it!” They could have been frustrated that it happened; saddened that the tree was marred. They could have cut the branches and complained as they disposed of them.

Instead, they considered that these same branches could bring warmth to a home; hearth to a fire; comfort to a family, or perhaps a single individual. Maybe someone could roast marshmallows with delightful little people or a couple in love. In what was likely unexpected and potentially unpleasant, they still found a bit of shine that they could share with others – and this gave me pause.

Indeed, today – was a rough one; but tonight, I considered a few other thoughts.

I was forgiven for forgetting about that meeting. The person I was supposed to have it with, forgot, too – until I called her to apologize for forgetting! I made one of Mr. Meltdown’s favorite dishes tonight – potstickers and fried rice – and he melted again, with glee!

The critical oversight – was never noticed. I have time to repair it, and no one was injured. The last-minute deadline due at midnight was submitted three hours early, and the worst is over (I’m so relieved). Someone volunteered to help me troubleshoot my tech issue tomorrow, and I spent my last hour offering consolation to a stranger who felt they were at the end of their rope.

Turns out, this wasn’t the worst day ever. Perhaps, just a bump in the road. My takeaway, from the lovely walk that followed the chaos? Find the shine – like that radiant sun that was high above the tree that was essentially bruised, but not broken.

So am I.

As I used to tell my students all the time, “I know today may have been rough, but tomorrow is a new day – and we get to try all over again.” I think I’m going to work on avoiding my “Woe is me mode.” I think the, “I can get through this,” approach is far more manageable. May we all have more livable days ahead!

Cheers to doing better. Good Night!

#findtheshine #itgetsbetter #nevergiveup #breathe #forgive #forget #keeptrying #priceless #drcarlamichelle

“Wings” & Waffles (Vegan Style)

“Hot Honey Shrooms & Waffles” One of the best meals I’ve ever had courtesy of Mo’ Better Brews in Houston, Texas

As I was searching for what to write about in the ninth (or eleventh?) hour, I settled on going to one of my happiest places – food! I was reminded of a recent visit to Houston, Texas where I tried this dish at an all-vegan restaurant. I happened upon this lovely gem after seeing it float past me for another customer and quickly inquired. I was sold when she said, “Well, I’m not vegan – but I really like this, and I get it all the time!”

That was all I needed to hear. So, I said, “I’ll have one of those – and the other thing she’s having, too!” (which happened to be a vegan boudin sushi roll – it was also lovely)! I transitioned into my vegan life somewhere around COVID, after sitting home watching a wealth of documentaries. By the time I’d gotten through, “What the Health” and “Forks Over Knives,” I’d been fully converted .I promptly relieved my pantry and fridge of all things meat and dairy and decided to leap into the culinary adventure.

I realized shortly thereafter that I should probably not coerce my tribe of six to join me, although they did make an attempt. Since then, they’ve altered some eating habits, and my seven and eleven year-olds informed me that they were “half-vegan,” which I found to be hilarious. I’ve learned quite a bit on this journey. I’ve discovered that in all things there are extremes, though I am not one of those. I am accepting of those who mirror my lifestyle and equally o.k. with those who don’t. I choose not to impose my preferences on anyone else, and I’m happy to eat around menus that weren’t designed with vegans in mind.

I’m also enjoying the many benefits and happily share them with those who are interested. The biggest determining factor for me was recognizing that so many people in my family were affected by health issues that were diet related. That being said, among the things that I love the most is finding vegan items that don’t look (or taste) too frightening to try – and this would be one of them!

If you haven’t tried plant-based items, I’m happy to report that they are far better than they used to be! Even if you didn’t change to a meatless or dairy-free diet, there are enormous benefits to including more whole fruits and vegetables on a regular basis. To those who are already there – enjoy the countless possibilities! In the meantime, I’ll make it a point to find more places that have delectable dishes like the one above. I’m definitely looking forward to a round two! It was a pleasant plate to remember!

TexaN-Colorado Girls for Life

One of the best friends I’ve made in a place where I’d never been, the Remarkable Renee!

It’s hard packing up to live in a new place with your tribe of six when your previous 37 years were all in one place. You’ve spent those years with your family, built your own for the last 20 or so, enjoyed hot summers and warm winters in the Lone Star State, and then things change – because your husband got a new job. My new norm (as far as I knew) was going to be mountains and bitter cold with hot and sunny days behind me. To put it mildly, I was less than enthused. And to be quite honest, I was most concerned about missing my mom.

Nevertheless, we made the journey! It was a huge adjustment because so many things were different; but, one of the best things that could ever have happened was meeting Renee. Like myself, Renee was a former Houston resident, who had transitioned to Colorado under similar circumstances. She’s also a boy mom (she has a tri-squad to my quad-squad), she loved food as much as I do, we’re even about the same size and we share a love for Spanish. We were even further bonded by our faith, and I had never felt so warm in a place where nearly everyone I met was a stranger.

Well, as always, mom and wife life, especially for those of us with careers, can get kinda crazy – fast! So of late, we had been missing each other forever, but today – we reconvened over brunch. I was amazed at how much we still had in common – and how quickly two minutes turned in to two and a half hours! It was as if we never missed a beat, and I couldn’t be more grateful! The last couple of years have been rough in different ways. Life is forever throwing curveballs, and in our absence from one another, it was laughable how similar our roller coaster rides had been (parenting, super-hero-ing, navigating this crazy economy and the like); but, what remained the same is our connection.

Renee has become so much more than just a friend. Our relationship gives me new meaning for the word bonding. It’s so heartwarming to meet someone that you feel you could’ve grown up with. She is certainly, much more a beloved sister. Her wisdom, insight, humor and candor combine for a luminescence that’s unmistakable. It wasn’t easy to leave what I felt most comfortable with for the completely unfamiliar. However, meeting this fellow Texan-Colorado girl made me feel right at home. Future plans? Brunch more often, increase our therapeutic sessions and make sure that we stick together. Consider it done!

#friends #sisters #family #texans #coloradoans #bonding #live #laugh #love #life #girls #priceless #drcarlamichelle

i Miss You Haiku

Excitement galore.
But then, the heart stopped beating.
One day, we will meet.