Be Still My Heart…Celebrating My Firstborn

The first of my all-boy quadsquad, Michael F. Brown, II #sigh

Where did the time go? And who said he could grow up? Not me! I mean, I’m glad that he’s surviving – especially because I almost lost him in childbirth (required an emergency C-section #yeesh), but it just feels like 19 years later happened so much faster that I thought it would. I look at the lanky form that towers over my head, and I just marvel at all of the memories swimming in my mind.

I thoroughly remember the red and blue Polo onesie that was just perfect for our first family photo plus one. I had no idea that six weeks later, he would have already outgrown it. I think about all of the high-tech baby gizmos we spent so much money on that were overrated, but in our minds at the time, an absolute necessity (i.e., the “diaper genie”)! We made so many mistakes, and we were trying so hard. Being a first time parent can be terribly stressful. I kept thinking, “Oh my God! I’m somebody’s mom!” Nevertheless, I was replete with contentment. I was so emotional, on both ends of the spectrum.

Today, when I look at him, even though those toddler days are long gone, I still feel like he’s my little boy. Especially, when I see him smile, my heart still skips a beat! I’m glad that he’s growing into a mature young man, and I look forward to the future ahead, but it seemed to take so long for his arrival. When I’d hoped to have children, it just wouldn’t happen. It was a long three years! Once he got here, I felt like I was in love.

I’m fascinated and grateful for how our relationships with our children go through stages just like they do. It’s nice to know that we learn and grow at the same time they do, but in such intriguing ways. What I Iike the most about this age is the nature of our conversations. We share differently; think differently; we’re more open-minded – and he better understands wittiness and sarcasm – it’s our love language, and we are quite fluent (smile).

Did I mention that I’m still afraid of things? Like, will he meet the perfect person for him? Will I like them? Does that really matter? Will he finally decide what he really wants to do – and follow through with it? Will he ever develop the sense of urgency that I think is necessary for life? Or will he keep cruising through with his unsettling calmness that makes me wonder if he’s even listening (though I would say, he is – I think).

Will he be genuinely happy? Will he spread his wings when he leaves this nest? I’ve resolved to let him try on his own – but oh how I worry about everything he may encounter that may seem scary when he’s thrust into “adulting.” This is one of the parts that I don’t like so much about parenting. My grandmother used to tell me, “They move from being on your knee to on your heart.” So wise, that woman was.

And to think, one day, I’ll be in some big church, watching someone in a white gown take him away forever! (O.K., I’m being a bit dramatic, but that’s how it feels!!!) I’m glad he’s not there yet – because I’m NOT READY! Truthfully, I believe he will choose someone wonderful, and I’ll be happy to support them both, but in all honesty, I know I won’t be captivated by the blushing bride – I’ll be beaming with pride because of my handsome little boy who will one day grow up into a fine, young man.

Be still, my heart. I can’t believe we’re already here. May the years ahead be the best ones yet.

#mamalove #littleboy #bigboy #adulting #timeflies #memories #boymom #quadmom #michaelfbrown #mybaby #foreverlove #teenager #priceless #drcarlamichelle