The Littlest Little

My fourth and final baby boy, Jonathan Paul - who told me most insistently, that he is "not little" (smile)

To say that I love him dearly would be an understatement. Much like Joseph, in the Bible story of Jacob (who had 12 sons), he holds my heart in a different way because I feel that I had him when I was in my wisest era of motherhood (or so I’d like to believe). Parenting a little one at twenty something and forty something is remarkably different. Many things, you worry about less. Antics are not nearly as phasing. Crises seem to be fewer and farther between – and the love, (sigh) the love reverberates in nearly every tender moment.

Jonathan is such a character! His imagination is fueled by adventure and excitement. His storytelling is inked with loyalties and laughter. He reminds me that even in my self-proclaimed wisdom, I am still not beyond being shocked. I feel proud of myself for the things that I handle better; explain more clearly; demonstrate more patience with – and at the same time, I’m still baffled by how much he knows; how adamantly he defends, and how deeply he questions.

He is so much of me in ways that are so good, and sometimes not so much (don’t worry – I’m working on that second one for the both of us)! But more than anything else, I just feel – blessed. It still rattles me that I managed to have a 19 yr. old who towers over my head and a tiny human (as my fellow professor calls his little ones) who’s just hitting the zenith of second grade. One part of me thinks at times, “Lord, we have so far to go!” and at others I think, “God, can we slow down a little bit to stay here longer? Second grade is my favorite!” It all seems to go by so…quickly (sigh).

Jonathan keeps me humble! In our cherished one-on-one conversations, I marvel at his sagacity. He speaks with the confidence of an 80 yr. old man, though few of his theories have been proven. He trusts his tiny gut. It fails him from time to time, but I must admit – he has a knack for insightfulness. He reminds me to limit my assumptions about little people – a truth I first learned when teaching in the primary grades. We believe they understand much less than what they do in reality; but, having spent thousands of hours in the classroom, I am confident that those minds work in a most sophisticated way. They are exceptional listeners and readers of people.

I am so thankful for our relationship. He’s still filled with the innocence and wonder that makes young children so refreshing. I love the way his mind works, and he’s happy to offer quite the lengthy explanation for his rationale – at his discretion of course. There are other times when I’ve put on my best inquiry skills, and he let me know quite clearly that he had no desire to elaborate. I was not thrilled, but I was understanding!

I am elated. I get to watch him grow and glean. I get to cheer for him when he does well and encourage him when he does not. I hold him accountable – and he insists on doing the same. He reminds me that mommies don’t always get it right, but not from a disrespectful retort, but perhaps from an upside-down smile; from a look of confusion after mommy has had a long day and missed a nuanced point.

Jonathan compels me to celebrate at the park with an unscheduled date even though there are 30 tasks left on my to do list. He invites me to stop and watch the silly movies that I don’t think will interest me that make me love and laugh and learn – more about him and myself. He makes my heart melt every night when I tell him, “Donde esta me abrazo? Y mi besito?” Where is my hug and my kiss? He squeezes so hard – and loves so big – that I know I am among the most blessed mommies of the world…because of my Littlest Little.

As I said many years before when I had my first one – I can’t believe I get to be his mom. I wouldn’t have had it any other way! How thankful I am, indeed.

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